How was your parking?

This will go out as part of the next newsletter hopefully later today.

I got an email the other day from a company I now know is called parkwhiz BY FLASH. The folks down at parkwhiz BY FLASH were writing to thank me for parking but also wanted to know:

How was your experience at:

Emerson Hospital?

Not that great man. If you want the truth of it parkwhiz BY FLASH. I was parking at the hospital for starters. As you well know. Parking and going to the hospital are two very famously stressful things. 

I’ve been going to the hospital a decent amount lately. I’m in my Bolsonaro era. 

The parking itself was fine I suppose but paying to get out was all fucked. I didn’t have my card on me and when I pulled up to the payment machine I panicked a little because there were cars lining up behind. I pressed the button on the thing to call the attendant thinking this is fake this is nothing while it rang but then a guy came on all pissed off and said follow the instructions on the side of the box. I had to get out of the car and do the I’m sorry I’m sorry but get over it Larry David kind of wave and scan a QR code and sign up for a website and enter my details and then bing bang boom my parking journey at the hospital was complete. Besides the kind email followup of course. 

RIP Mitch Hedberg. You would have hated getting 25 receipts for a donut. 

I suppose the real headline is my testicles look normal. According to the ultrasound. I loved Ultrasound’s 1996 top 40 eurohouse track The Rhythm of the Rhythm by the way. 

Earlier that day I went to my normal doctor and told her something was off with my right testicle. I am aware that I have a right testicle all the time is how I explained it. We aren’t normally aware of them I said. I’m not sure if women know that. Or doctors. The ball sack in general comes up a lot for us sure but it’s usually not so specifically insistent in terms of announcing itself. 

I am not a sick pervert but one still doesn’t feel all that great about any woman having to go looking too closely at your balls even in the rare situations when she seems like she really wants to. My doctor said she had to have another person in the room and I said of course and then she brought in a nurse who was unfortunately very hot and so now it was like goddamnit. No one wants this. No one wants a hot lady around. We’re just trying to go about our lives. 

The exam went by without incident and the results were unremarkable but still she thought I better go have some images taken so it was off to the hospital as previously mentioned above. 

I waited a hospital’s waiting time in the hospital waiting room watching an old Family Feud and dicking around on my phone in the more fraught and weighted way you dick around on your phone in a hospital waiting room as compared to normal life. As if it has an anchoring power of sorts. A talisman. 

After a while the technician came and got me and she asked if I had ever had an ultrasound before and I said yes but not in this area. In Concord she asked and I said no I meant my balls. 

She had me lay down and – this was rather odd I thought – pull out my balls but lay a towel over my penis. For decency and decorum’s sake I gather? But it seemed worse to me somehow. Like it was a little striptease. How someone with very little clothes on can be so much more erotic than someone fully naked. Not that there was a single thing erotic about any of this. 

She said you’re going to hear a sound now waving the wand along my scrotum. That’s just your heartbeat she said. And then I heard it and I am ashamed to say I laughed. This after having been completely silent the balance of the procedure. That’s my heartbeat in my balls lol. I’ve never heard that before. The technician ignored it. Just went about her duties. 

In my defense it might have been gallows humor in part. There was a chance she was going to find something troubling in there. 

She did not. She sent me on my way with the knowledge that there is nothing obviously wrong with me that they can find. Which is the best case scenario for any doctor. The Not My Problem results. This is some other guy’s problem. So now I’ll wait a couple weeks or months to see what this next guy thinks. I wonder what the parking situation there will be like. 

A little while later I got another email from parkwhiz BY FLASH.

It read:

Please do not tell us all of that.